funny ha ha

Dave Klaphaak (
Fri, 9 Feb 1996 15:54:27 -0500 (EST)

From: bergcm@UCSUB.COLORADO.EDU (Berg Caryn Marie)
>>Sender: ARCH-L@TAMVM1.TAMU.EDU (Archaeology List)
>>Reply-to: bergcm@UCSUB.COLORADO.EDU (Berg Caryn Marie)
>>To: ARCH-L@TAMVM1.TAMU.EDU (Multiple recipients of list ARCH-L)
>>Date: 96-02-08 21:54:34 EST
>>These are just suggestions, enjoy!
>>>> 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
>>>> by Alan Meiss,
>>>> 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
>>>> noises.
>>>> 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
>>>> attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
>>>> was the last day to drop.
>>>> 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
>>>> scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
>>>> 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
>>>> crop.
>>>> 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
>>>> student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
>>>> 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you
>>>> a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
>>>> can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
>>>> 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
>>>> them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
>>>> lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
>>>> 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
>>>> responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book
>>>> while muttering "tsk, tsk".
>>>> 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
>>>> 10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
>>>> whether your butt looks fat.
>>>> 11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
>>>> 12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus
>>>> class. Giggle throughout it.
>>>> 13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
>>>> hotline number on the board.
>>>> 14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
>>>> questions.
>>>> 15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
>>>> Machine."
>>>> 16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
>>>> would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
>>>> 17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone
>>>> book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
>>>> 18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of
>>>> you as you pace back and forth.
>>>> 19. Address students as "worm".
>>>> 20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
>>>> single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at
>>>> any moment.
>>>> 21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
>>>> singing spirituals.
>>>> 22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
>>>> waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
>>>> 23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
>>>> name, rank, and serial number.
>>>> 24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
>>>> announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
>>>> 25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
>>>> question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
>>>> 26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
>>>> for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
>>>> sentence and proceed normally.
>>>> 27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
>>>> asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling
>>>> motions with your hands.
>>>> 28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
>>>> 29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
>>>> 30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers
>>>> and ask students to "sit back and groove".
>>>> 31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their
>>>> class projects.
>>>> 32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code
>>>> all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
>>>> 33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
>>>> McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
>>>> walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
>>>> 34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
>>>> 35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base
>>>> 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after
>>>> yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students
>>>> who don't use it.
>>>> 36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
>>>> intervals.
>>>> 37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
>>>> teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and
>>>> office hours.
>>>> 38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you
>>>> lecture.
>>>> 39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
>>>> 40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks"
>>>> every ten minutes.
>>>> 41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
>>>> "fake the funk".
>>>> 42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
>>>> deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
>>>> 43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral
>>>> hygiene.
>>>> 44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
>>>> required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1,
>>>> Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
>>>> 45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
>>>> Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
>>>> 46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your
>>>> tie.
>>>> 47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
>>>> 48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
>>>> 49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to
>>>> keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something
>>>> about "that bug I picked up in the field".
>>>> 50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you