unfunny jokes I nicked off the internet

Dmano Baggio!!! (9256405@mull.sms.ed.ac.uk)
Thu, 15 Feb 1996 12:50:09 +0000

Simon goes on a holiday to America. When he arrives at the airport the
clerk greets him: "Hi mister Sinatra". Simon: "I'm not mister Sinatra.
I'm Simon Smith". When he gets into the taxi the driver says: "Good
afternoon mister Sinatra". Simon: "I'm not Sinatra. I'm Simon Smith!".
In his hotel he is continuously recognized as Sinatra, which he
corrects every time though his temper's rising. When he gets into his
hotel room there's a gorgeous girl in his bed who says: "Hi Frank".
Simon: "Strangers in the night!".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no02.gif"><BR>
A man wanders along the side of a canal when he sees a tourist
fetching water in his hand and drinking it. He speeds to the tourist
and says: "Don't drink that! This water is very polluted!". To which
the tourist answers: "Que dice?". Man: "Dos manos! Utilizas do manos!"
(Two hands! Use two hands!).<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no03.gif"><BR>
John is waiting to cross the street when a blind man approaches with
his guide-dog. The sign lights to cross and in stead of helping his
boss to cross the dog raises his rear leg an peas on the pants of
the man. The man reaches in his pocket and gives the dog a cookie. John
is amazed and tells the man: "If it were my dog I would have kicked
his ass!". The man calmly answers: "I'm going to. But I need to find
the head first".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=24 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no04.gif"><BR>
An old couple returns home after a vacation. On the way to the airport
the taxi driver asks: "Where are you going?". The old man says: "To
Canada". The old lady says: "What did he say?". The old man: "He asked
where we are going". The taxi driver says: "Where in Canada?". The old
chap: "Toronto". The old madam: "What did he say?". The old man: "He
asked where in Canada". Taxi driver: "Toronto? I've had the worse sex
of my live in Toronto". The old lady: "What did he say?". The old man:
"He recognizes you from ealier days".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no05.gif"><BR>
A man drives into a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver what he's up to with the two penguins on
his back seat. The driver had asked himself that same question but he
wouldn't know what to do. Clerk: "You should take them to the zoo".
The man thinks this is a good idea and drives away.<P>

The next day he arrives at that same gas station. Clerk: "I thought you
would take them to the zoo!". Driver: "Yes, we had a swell day
yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no06.gif"><BR>
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are called upon to test a
lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of
beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15
hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8
hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Irish says: "I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no07.gif"><BR>
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards
further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir.
We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into
this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have astma. If I
blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come
along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't
do that. I have anaemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed
to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards
along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why
not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no08.gif"><BR>
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a
lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there
would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One
day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch
hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the
church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest
climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road.<P>

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was
a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back
to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not
understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm
sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the
priest. "I got him with the door!"<P>

<IMG WIDTH=23 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no09.gif"><BR>
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE
night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.<P>

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist".<P>

<IMG WIDTH=37 HEIGHT=26 SRC="no10.gif"><BR>
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee
sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice:
"I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by
my wive. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it
too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he
sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are
piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you
followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By
the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".<P>

"That's not my opinion.... that's just what I think!"

Ciao for now, love Dusch;
"when you say that, smile!"
'To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.'
"G.G.R. is the way forward"

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