YUQwest: Classics

The_Belgradian (nensi@infosky.net)
Wed, 24 Feb 1999 05:55:16 +0100

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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type
managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in
Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor,
Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could
change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for

(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying,
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the
body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical
approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I
routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR
Director'soffice, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't
stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally
he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be

fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R.
Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary
and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to
worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire
staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in
the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is
endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on
current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of


Lawyer Questions

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11 Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"<

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor,before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."


I hate to be the one to tell you,
but it's still yesterday!
Detective Bayliss - "Homicide"
mailto:belgradian@yahoo.com, mailto:belgradian@hotmail.com
On 24 February 1999 at 05:44:13 by The Bat! v1.21